Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Apartment hunting

Colton and I went aparment hunting today with the baby in tow. We are looking for a place that has a washer and dryer, because it has gotten really hard to depend on Colton to get it done when he works so much and it's a process to come up and down three flights of stairs. Plus it gets expensive and overly time consuming as the dryers suck!

We also are looking for something on the ground level so I don't have to climb stairs with baby and it's easier to get in and out for me.

We would LOVE to have some/all utilities included, possible cable tv/internet, and other ammenities.

We found one place that is $465 a month, has a gym, a pool, a big park, 2 bedrooms, lots of storage and the ability to rent television for $25.00 a month. That is a big plus for me because I get super bored at home, plus with the pool and gym there's things for me to do and fun for us as a family and with visitors. Plus it's ground level and the pool is right behind the apartment! There are washer dryer hook ups (we have to buy them though) and it's close to one of Colton's jobs and our good friends Mic and Whit.

We looked at another place that was the same price range, with our current landlords, but the hookups are in an awkward place (middle of the kitchen.) There are however coin laundry machines the next door over and it's all ground level so I could do it myself. There are also 2 rooms, 2 big bathrooms, tons of storage, a large kitchen, large living room and a park outside.

(It's also next to our old psycho neighbor who worships trees.)

So the first apartment is very amazing, but the idea of moving right now sucks, and it's a little bit smaller and on the other end of town, so Colton couldn't come home for lunch...decisions decisions...

First Date

Tonight we went out on our first date since Tai was born. Wingers has a great dinner and a movie deal for $26.00 and we took full advantage of it with our good friends Mic and Whitney. We love hanging out with them and needed a night out.

And by night out I mean we took our newborn to The Vow. Haha.

Colton and I had a bet. I told him Tai would sleep through all of dinner and the movie. Colton said I was crazy to attempt a movie with him and he would be scared of the dark noises. But we decided that it would be okay and the boys would take him out if he started getting noisy.

He slept through the whole thing, mom won.
We also were the only ones in the theatre, so it wouldn't have mattered regardless.

I didn't like the Vow, to be honest. Well, I didn't like the ending, I wanted to see the love fall back into place, it ended weird to me.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Wedding Showcase/Sicky Sickness

Colton and I were able to go to the Southern Utah Bridal Showcase at SUU on Saturday. 
He was totally willing and excited to go with me ( a Gandolfo's breakfast sandwich bribe may have been involved.)

I felt a little uncomfortable being there with a baby in tow, but I also am pretty much over the judgement.
I feel married, I live a married life, we love each other and our little family.
Pretty much over people raising their eyebrows at me...
We are taking all the right steps, I only had a baby 3 weeks ago.

We entered a lot of contests, got a free 2 night hotel stay, ate some delicious cake, and pretty much left terrified.

At least I did. 

Weddings are SO expensive.

The people there were giving deals like "$100.00 of a $2500 photography package if you sign up today."
(That's a deal?) I mean maybe it's just me but if i'm going to spend over two grand on a photographer, i'm not real worried about that awesome $100.00 off. 

And there's all sorts of extra's I never knew I needed:
Fake Decorative cake? Chair ribbons? Video presentations...Gah

So I WILL be doing a budget wedding just like we did a budget baby, but hey, it all worked out right?

In other news:

My In-Laws stopped in to visit this weekend on their way to a home show, they love this little boy and make any excuse to come see him. (He has two sets of grandparents guilty of that.) We have had family here every weekend since he was born (and many during the week.) Now Colton has 3 days off in a a row, no visitors are planned and we are sitting at home doing nothing, because:

Colton is sick.
We were planning on heading up North this weekend, then he got sick, so I was going to ride with my In-Laws and he was going to come get me in a few days.
I packed up my bags in preparation to go visit my family and hopefully avoid getting myself & baby sick.
Then my mom called and said they are sick too, and not to come up. (As I was walking out the door.)
So I am a little depressed, very bored, and currently experiencing the beginning of a sore throat.

I seriously need to get cable television.

Oh yes, Quest/Century Link makes me angry. Our internet just went up $35 this month for a 1.5 mbps internet speed. When I called to ask why (because I was PROMISED the rate wouldn't change) they said it was only a 6 month promotion and they are "so sorry about the misunderstanding."

They then preceded to tell me that I can either have 1.5 internet for $40 plus tax OR I can get 12 mbps internet plus a landline for $35. I do not want a landline. I want my 1.5 internet for $15.00. 

Colton said "well we can just get rid of internet."

(I already mentioned we don't have TV. And i'm home alone all day. And that was his best option.)

Sorry for being a whiner.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Just You Wait..

I feel like so many people are negative about babies.
When people come over and meet Tai for the first time (mostly people who are parents already) they always ask what is wrong with my baby.
"He doesn't cry.." (Nope, he is pretty calm.)
"Why isn't he fussy?" (He's just a content baby.)
"I bet you are so tired from staying up all night." (No, he wakes, starts babbling, I feed him and he falls asleep.)
"Do you guys have to constantly walk him around to get him to stop crying?" (This has never happened.)
"Do you have to burp him every ounce he eats? How many times does he burp before he is calm?" (Huh?)

The fact is (knock on wood) I really do have an angel baby. He has never cried for an extended amount of time. If he starts getting upset, I know what he needs and can comfort him without getting up, moving around or bouncing him to make him feel better. He is a peaceful little boy and he is patient with his parents.

I can set him down on a pillow or his seat or on the bed and he just lays there and watches me clean or get ready. I can lay him down next to me and cuddle him to sleep, or put him in his bed and he just sits and looks around till he gets tired.

Last night our friend Brian was over holding baby while I tidied the kitchen. He gave him a bottle for me and Tai fell asleep after eating. Brian took him into his room and put him in his bassinet. I went in to check on him a half  hour later and he was wide awake, smiling up at me, playing with his hands. He hadn't made a single peep. That's just my child.

Now comes my frustration.

After people hold him or play with him, they inevitably ask what is wrong with him. Because he is TOO easy. And then they start saying "just you wait."

Wait...Till he gets colic and screams non-stop.
Wait...Till he won't go to sleep and you can't sleep either.
Wait...Till you can never put him down because he only wants to be held.
Wait...Till he refuses to sleep on his own.

"This means he will be a horrible toddler. Just wait."
"You are in for it with your next baby, he will raise hell."
"It's a sign he will be a really difficult teenager, you poor thing."

This happened during my pregnancy too. I felt like everyone was spouting a doom tree over me. From the tortures of non sleep to the battles of bottles, people would tell me "it's the hardest thing you will ever do, your life will never be the same, say goodbye to freedom."


I know motherhood isn't easy. But it is WORTH IT. Colton and I had a long hard battle to get where we are with our relationship, our home and our families. We deserved to have a little boy who brought nothing but joy to our lives. We already knew the stress, the changes, the difficulties.

What we needed was to be reminded how amazing parenthood really is.

So that's what my advice to you is. If you are a mom, let other mom's know it will all work out.
Let them know how much you love your kids, and how much they mean to you.
If they ask for advice, be honest with them, but don't scare them so they are "prepared."

We (as parents) all need to stop throwing in the negative.

Let's focus on saying "Just you wait."

Wait until that first time you hold him, you will find a love you never knew possible.
Wait until he grabs your finger and holds on tight.
Wait until you realize that your hugs are the best kind of medicine.
Wait until his first smile, it's amazing.
Wait until you see the love that little baby will bring to your family.

Let's give new mom's some hope. Let's let them learn things for themselves and not doom them to pain and anguish "eventually." Let's remind them that through all the stress, there is so so much happiness.  Let's let them enjoy the moment with their babies, without being scared of what is coming.

We all know what is coming:

More happiness than you could ever ever imagine.

Just you wait.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

3 Weeks Old

MaTai is 3 weeks old today!

*He is holding his head up and is getting really strong.

*Hates being bundled, and is a little escape artist who is out of his swaddle every time I check on him.

*Messes through so many diapers a day! It's ridiculous. They are all such tiny 'deposits' but I feel bad leaving him in a messy diaper for any amount of time.

*Is starting to smile, look around, make faces and be alert. He sees a tv or computer screen and fixates on it, but we are trying to keep him away from 'screen time.'

*Has had grandparents here every weekend since he was born, they can't get enough of him. I heard my dad whispering to my mom "let's just raise him ourselves."

*Is doing great at differentiating between night and day. He is staying alert and awake a lot longer, with his eyes wide open. (They are bright blue right now, we hope they don't change!)

*He is getting more vocal and making noise. He grunts at you if you bother him him while he sleeps. He sqwaks at me when he want something, he keeps us on our toes.

*He had his first bath(s) in the sink, his tub and also showered twice, once with mom and once with dad. He sat and licked the water off my arms like a puppy, and absolutely loves the water.

We love him, he makes our family complete and we don't know where we would be without this sweet boy.


When I was pregnant with Tai I craved chocolate milk, oranges, apples, fruit, yogurt, fruit juice, dried fruit, "health food."

I wanted home cooked meals from mom (stew, soup, chicken and rice) good stuff for my tummy.

Of course I would have random cravings for chocolate ice cream or brownies, but mostly I ate like a bird and mostly wanted health food.

Fast forward to now.

Chocolate, Doritos, Burgers and Fries, Pizza, Pie. Get that apple the HELL away from my face. Haha.

Poor Colton is even losing his six pack.

This is not what I need with my tiger striped after c section tummy. (Colton has taken to purring at me like a cat.)

No exercise for 6 weeks with a glued c section incision. And being home alone all day bored (while my babe sleeps 20 hours a day) makes food seem very friendly. And people stocking our fridge every weekend when we have visitors and family makes it so our cupboards are all filled with junk.

Breastfeeding make me starve.


Fatty fat fatness=me.

My energy is coming back a little bit, (the energy to clean/leave the house/walk around) so I'm going to try being a better wifey and making healthy meals for my honey and myself...


Any techniques for stretch mark removal? My stomach looks awful...

(He thinks it's hiLlArIouS)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Life As A Mama

Why do moms even bother getting dressed? Haha.

By 8 am I have poop, pee, milk, spit up, baby products and food on myself and I feel like a slob. My baby is constantly grabbing my hair and yanking it from whatever ponytail I have managed (so that's why the mom bob is in.)

I HATE the way breastmilk feels on clothes, and my baby likes to take big gulps, swallow a little, drool a lot out onto me and himself. It's excellent.

Not to mention the fact that EVERY diaper is a blowout! Any suggestions on your favorite kind? We just moved up a size and also are on our third luck. I am at this point laying him on a triple layer towel when he sleeps/sits/eats. We have washed our sheets three times in 4 days...

His clothes are loving the stains..

A few things I know for sure:

-We both want to move up North, our families miss him too much and we miss our families!!!

-Regardless, we need to find somewhere else to live, with a washer and dryer! It's gotten ridiculous going down three flights of stairs in the Snow multiple times a day and PAYING to dry our clothes three times just to get them dry.

-I love my sweet son, and regardless of the state of my wardrobe, every little stain is worth it.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Big Little Question

I grew up with a form of dwarfism called Pseudoachondroplasia. False dwarfism to be exact. It means my torso and head are regular length, but my limbs (Arms and legs) are short in proportion.

I have had multiple surgeries in my life (staples in my knees, pelvic osteotomy) to correct problems associated with this condition. My mother also has the condition, along with her mother.

My moms siblings ALL have the condition. Some smaller than others. Along with many of their children.

Although the condition is said to be 50/50, it has seemed more prominent than that, 4 of my parents 5 children have it. (My brother Curtis is 6' 2")

That being said, when Colton and I found out we were expecting, we immediately knew there was a chance MaTai would be little. This of course did not affect our decision in having him.

Although it has been quite a big question with his family as to whether or not Tai would be little, it has never been an issue. We all want to know what we are in for, and what this little boy will face.

His family doesn't totally understand the condition, but they are slowly learning that it would not in anyway affect our children mentally, only physically. It has taken a lot of patience to answer the questions and curiosity of others (some have been asked multiple times.)

The fact is, we won't know for several years Tai's prognosis. We wont know for sure until he walks and starts getting more ambulatory.

But I will make something clear.

It does not matter. It will never matter. It will never change how we feel about our son. It will never change our love, and no matter what happens, we will get through it, just like my parents did.

Colton has never made my height an issue. It's part of why I love him. He sees past it. He will never make our sons height an issue, whether he is 6' 3" or 3' 6"

So I ask my friends, family, acquaintances, look past the differences TODAY. Teach your children to accept them. Show them it really doesn't matter. Either way.

It just doesn't.

Don't make the 'little things' an issue. He's a beautiful little boy, who will accomplish amazing things in his life and who is an absolute miracle.

I want him to be treated as such.

We are just a little tired of being asked that little question. Because it's not a BIG deal.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Two Weeks

My baby is two weeks old!

I went into the hospital yesterday to get a nipple guard. We are successfully semi-breastfeeding now.

I was told to stop pumping completely, as I was pumping 15 oz every three hours and Tai is eating only 3 oz. So basically surplus is taking over our fridge and Colton has started to talk about putting it on cereal. Yum.

The lactation nurse said I should only store that much if I'm planning on getting cancer.


Our friends suggested selling it, because there's a market for creepy old men who love them some boob juice. Gross right?

Anyways, if you were wondering my boobs KILL!!! I'm hoping I don't get sick while my production calms down a bit.

Sorry for the boob talk.

We went to the pediatricians today. Got him weighed (8 lbs!) So he is doing great and is basically back to birth weight (8 lbs 1 oz) where they want them at two weeks.

25% for weight, 75% for height.

Also, we waited for over an hour and didn't see the doctor. They finally asked if we wanted to just go home since his weight was good. Colt had work so we left.

We are lucky because we got an awesome doctor, we were told he wasnt taking new patients when we requested him, but it was his hospital week and with Tai's weight loss we got lucky and had him checking up on us daily. So he took us as patients after all was said and done, but we have to schedule weeks in advance and still end up not seeing him...hmm.

Tai is grunting at me to feed him. Such is my job these days :)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


My Pre-Pregnancy Pants FIT.
1 Week, 6 days after having Tai.
Heck yes.


I am a lucky girl to have a guy like Colton by my side.
He is a hard worker, who never complains about going to work or taking on extra hours.
He is up every night with me for every diaper change and feeding.
(At 3 am this morning he was keeping me company while I pumped. Totally unnecessary, but very much appreciated.)
At 7 am he got up, changed baby's diaper, warmed a bottle for him, and then got ready for work.
All with smile on his face.

I love that he wakes with a smile because he's helping his baby boy.
I love how he comes home on his lunch break and changes a diaper or feeds baby or just cuddles up next to us.

He is so dedicated to his family and his son.
I am so grateful for him, I don't know if I could do what he does.

He is constantly saying how beautiful our son is, and how he "can't believe" we created such a beautiful peaceful little creature.
He is so helpful around the house, constantly cleaning up and organizing things while I recover, or asking to hold the baby while I sleep.

Basically, I have the best Valentine ever (two to be exact.)

We are making a steak dinner tonight, with some fantastic sides...And watching a romantic movie. 
I also have a whooooooooole lot of chocolate that my sweetie bought me home.
This mama isn't leaving her baby with anyone for awhile. So date nights are IN.

On a side note:

Everyone is telling me how much Tai looks like Colton. I still can't see it (or any resemblance to anyone) which I guess is common with new moms. I kept calling Tai my whitey baby until I saw this picture of him and his dad cuddling. He is totally darker than his daddy. Little brown Colton :)

Baby's Day Out

My in laws came down to St. George this weekend with Colton's grandparents to stay in the condo and see our baby boy. It was the first time Yaya and Great-Grandpa saw him, so it was a big event, especially because Colton is SO close to his grandparents.

It was a tough weekend for me. A week and a half out of having a baby, going from always having him to myself to sharing him for two days was TOUGH. I am so protective of my little guy right now and hate to have him away from me. Even having other people holding him was hard for me.

It was also very hard to be away from home, trying to pump and breastfeed and get the rest I needed to. It might have been too early for the whole ordeal, and I was in tears on Colton's shoulder by the end of the night. It was supposed to be relaxing, but I was just stressed the whole time, and tired, and wanting to snuggle my baby. I didn't feel very well and I wanted to just sleep in and relax. (Savannah, Colton's sister, made sure that was NOT an option by pounding on the door right after I got baby to sleep.)

We spent the weekend eating good food, and went to Don Pedros the first night we got there. Baby hadn't been out like that before, but he stayed WELL covered with multiple blankets and a carseat cover, he slept through the whole thing. Colton is so funny about that. Random old ladies would come up and want to see the baby and Colton would just flat out tell them no. I told him "You are so rude!...Good job."

My in laws are great, Colts dad got our windshield wipers replaced and filled the car with gas, which was such a blessing. Colt's mom is constantly trying to help me relax and asking what treats I want. :) She is a sweetheart and I enjoy being around her. His grandma is a funny lady, (there was a big fiasco about her putting salt in the sugar container and both Colton and Shane (his dad) had some very salty coffee. His granddad is a sweetheart and I always love to see him, the love he has for Yaya, and his whole family is so sweet.

It's funny because his family is still stepping around what exactly to call me. Yaya flat out calls me his wife. Jana will say "wifey" or skips around the title. Shane just flat out says girlfriend. No one quite knows what title to give me because girlfriend sounds so off, and wife isn't official yet. (For the record my mom just flat out says husband to Colton. She has been doing that for months.)

We love getting out, and spending time with family, and it was good to see them, but maybe next time we will wait a few more weeks before accepting vacation invites :)

My parents are coming down this weekend to see the baby, of course. Luckily they will be staying in town so I can rest and relax a little more.
In Laws :)

Jana And I 

First Family Picture :)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Miracle Diet

I lost 30 pounds this week. Totally a miracle diet. Or maybe just a miracle in general :)

Bad news: major kidney infection. I wasn't feeling well at all, so I went in and wallah! They try and admit me to the hospital. But no can do. This little lady has things to do, so we compromised on a couple antibiotic injections and 5 pills a day...yum.

Antibiotics + baby makes me nervous! But it's better than mommy in the ER.

Also, a lactation nurse told me that if I don't nurse baby, and pump, I will lose my milk. Gahhhhh. So we are back to trying to nurse. Poor little man. Gets so frustrated trying to latch. But we did it once today! About to try again when he wakes...

Send your prayers our way, it's a battle!

Oh. This is the innocent face he gave me after he peed on me, himself and three feet up the wall...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Feeling Guilty

I can't stop feeling guilty about giving Tai bottles. I don't know why!

He has 100% breast milk. Never formula. He always has a bottle ready for him when he's hungry, and since it's supposed to be room temperature for him to eat, I can keep a bottle on the dresser before we go to bed, wake up when he whines and give it to him without moving him.

I pump every four hours or so, and store milk for him, and I feed him almost all of his bottles (sometimes daddy asks to.)

But I still feel like a bad mom for not nursing him completely. It's not that I wouldn't, I just can't do it without help.

Maybe it's a bonding thing, and I feel like I'm not giving him bonding time, but I just feel awful about it.

I mean he is still getting the best nutrition, just not directly, so why do I guilt myself?

Anyone else have this experience or advice?

1 Week Old

Dear Tai,

You are officially 1 week old today. I can't believe it.
It feels like yesterday that daddy put you in my arms and said "he's beautiful babe."
Makes me teary a little bit, all that time spent lying awake in the hospital just staring at you, knowing you were ours forever, no matter what.

It was amazing learning to breastfeed you, even though it was a struggle to get you to latch on, especially with my incision pain and being in hospital bed connected to wires.

I got so frustrated with everyone always grabbing at me and trying to position you right. I still have trouble.
Now we are basically just pumping milk and feeding you bottles. It makes me feel guilty, I don't know why.
I just feel so bad when I can't position you to latch. My hands are small and my breasts are HUGE and hurt from all the milk and it just makes us both end up in tears, frustrated.

At least this way, I know you are getting the nutrition you need, and you never get frustrated.

You are such a good baby. You haven't shed a single tear in three days. When you are hungry you just make noises and nuzzle mom. I burp you. Change you. Put you to bed. If you don't settle immediately, I burp you again. Sometimes you fuss when daddy changes your diaper, but usually you just grunt and give him the stink eye.

We can't believe we got so lucky to have such a peaceful angel join our family. You are all funny faces and big navy blue eyes. You suck on a pacifier until you are ready to sleep and then you spit it out and immediately close your eyes. Sometimes you grab it with your hand and pull it out and put it back in over and over. I can't believe you are doing that at a week old, it's amazing.

We ended up doing your laundry in the sink yesterday, you seem to be peeing or pooping through everything right now. Grandma Duke hand washed all your little things and hung them to dry. We have gone through all your newborn clothes and are starting over again now that they are washed.

You sleep with mom for most of your naps (I need the rest too.) And at bedtime you are right next to me. Daddy tries to pretend he cares and tells me off, but he knows we both sleep better when you are by me. I'm just so attached right now I don't want to leave you in another room. Plus it's really cold in our back rooms, there's no heater and the windows are really drafty, so I worry about you getting too cold. Either way, I hate when people tell me to make you sleep alone. The research on co-sleeping actually shows happier moms and babies. Less risk of SIDS (by four times). Better sleep. In fact countries where co-sleeping is the "norm" have virtually no SIDS, because mom's respond to their babies faster.

So for now, this little family sleeps together, and we are happy. (Your dad cuddles with mom and mom watches over you, dad is afraid of squishing you so you go on my side.)

Dad is so in love with you. He is constantly peeking at you and kissing you and telling you how beautiful you are. He calls you "lovey" and "sweetie" and "honey" and then feels funny because you are a dude ;) So mom just pretends not to hear. He gets up in the middle of the night to change you, and never ever complains, then he brings you back to mom with your warm bottle of milk and goes back to sleep. Mom is spoiled.

Dad also says that he is happy because mom "likes him again." I feel so much better, even with incision pain and cramping, I feel 100 times better than when I was pregnant with you. I have more energy, can walk around better, and it's not a huge task to get up or shower or anything. I'm glad for that because I was terrified I wouldn't be able to do this!

This also means i'm more patient with daddy, who helps out around the house a lot and takes good care of us.      He really likes having his love back. :)

We are excited for so many things to come with you. Especially sharing you with our friends and family. Mom can't wait until your belly button heals and her incision heals (one week) so we can take warm baths together. Dad is excited to watch you become more playful so he can have his buddy to entertain.

Thank you for being such an angel and blessing. We love having you in our home and love being a family. You are the best thing to happen to us, ever.

Father of the Year

Just walked in on Colton deliriously singing "On Top of Spaghetti" to his son.

It's 4:30 am. He thinks it's a lullaby. He only knows the first line. He sings it in a progressively higher pitched voice so spaghettiiiiiiii sounds like a siren.

Tai listens quietly to the ordeal, it makes his daddy feel good. and I think the whole thing is adorable.

These boys are my world.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Baby Blues

Today was a tearful day.

I don't know what's wrong with me. All day all I have been able to think about is how I don't want my little boy to grow up. I love him. I love how tiny and precious he is. I love how much he needs his mommy. I love how floppy and soft he is. Where I can put him in any position and he stays there.

It breaks my heart to think about him ever getting hurt. Or tainted by the world. There is so much evil out there and right now he is so close to his heavenly father. I feel like everyday he grows a little farther from his innocence.

I know that's ridiculous, he is only 1 week old. But I never want him to hurt. I don't want the world to break my sweet angel boy. He is too perfect.

My mom left today (bad timing with this emotional mama.) I was sad to see her go. Nervous and excited to start the real journey.

Scary! So now Colt and I are on our own. This is it!

We had friends over tonight. Pizza, brownies, the works! We visited with them, ate and passed baby around. We both showered. Cleaned the kitchen. Watched some Netflix. Changed and fed Tai (multiple times) and are now snuggled in bed. So I think we are going to do alright.

Parenting and Pure Stupidity

As I sit here feeding my babe (pumped breastmilk, the battle with latching continues.) I think about the care that he gets.

I feel like I'm a good mom. I put his needs first, am awake at the first sign I'm needed and put his comfort and cleanliness above my own. (Colton came out of a diaper change with poop on his nose today. It was a brutal blowout.)

I make sure my baby gets the best no matter what.

[Enter my feelings/opinions on other people.]

Other people make me MAD.

Inconsiderate people who don't wash their hands before holding baby. Who walk up and stick their unwashed fingers in his mouth because it's cute to feel him suck (are you serious?) Who have the audacity to ask to visit him or show up at the door when their Facebook status says something like "My family is so sick. Three of the four of us have a way bad virus."

Don't parent my baby the way you think is best. (Adding or removing layers of clothing, changing outfits, giving unsolicited advice on my current methods.)

Good hell.

Even with hospital staff, I was shocked at the minimum thought given to his care. One nurse took him for tests just as he messed a diaper. She said she would change him after he finished. An hour later when he was back with us and the doctor came to check him for skin rashes, there was dried poop on his bum. Just smears here and there that she didn't clean. Seriously?!

Another nurse took him to get tests (he was fully dressed with his hands in mittens) and brought him back with scratches all over his face because she had stripped him down and let him scratch his face up.

Needless to say, it's hard to trust other people with my most prized possession. I can fall asleep soundly if he is with my mom. Or Colton. They both love him endlessly.

But other people? Back it up. No babysitting duties for you! And get your dirty fingers out of my baby's mouth. I don't care if you have clean hands and a masters degree in good parenting, you are pissing off mama bear.

Monday, February 6, 2012


I'm completely, utterly, ridiculously exhausted.

Yet, I spend all my time fighting sleep as I stare at my little angel.

He's five days old.

We had a doctors appointment today, he's finally gaining weight back (finally the 3 am feedings pay off)

... and he's grown an inch.

My heart broke when the doctor said that.

I am not ready for him to grow. Ever.
I want him to stay tiny, and new and perfect.

I want to celebrate the rare moments he opens his eyes forever. The way he nuzzles me and sticks his little hands on his face. The way he stares at me and studies me. He is so helpless and wonderful, yet he knows who mom is, and that safety is in her arms.

I love How he sleeps through anything, and let's me move him around to snuggle. (yes i am guilty of taking him out of his crib and sneaking him into nap with me.)

I swoon at the little noises he makes when he sleeps...

And the way he fits in my arms, so unbelievably tiny, it's miraculous.

I love each new milestone. But get tears every time I lose one.

How does anyone survive being completely torn in half. Wanting to see them grow, but feeling a little shattered every time they do.


What an absolute miracle this little boy is.

Back to staring at him? Yup.

The Wall

I have officially hit it.

Trying to be super mama and make a super recovery is hard work. And last night, I was done.

I was so exhausted that my body was forgetting to breathe when I slept. I kept waking up out of breath and light headed. I thought I was a freak until my cousin told me she had the same thing happen to her. Guess it's more naps for me.

Tai is having a really hard time latching on and feeding right now. I've already been blessed with huge boulders ;) so add milk and a tiny mouth and it makes for a very frustrated baby and mama. We spend as much time trying to latch him as we do with him actually eating. It makes me and him so stressed and doubles the exhaustion levels.

We will keep trying but most likely I am going to pump milk and bottle feed my sweetie.

As for now, baby is in his crib and daddy is armed with pumped milk to feed his son. Nap time. :)

Sunday, February 5, 2012


The song from little rascals "You are so beautiful to me, can't you see, you're everything I hoped for..." came on today.

Total breakdown in Walgreens. Alligator tears. Grab my baby. Here comes crazy mommy. I had a full on emotional break down. I could never have imagined being so fulfilled, so full of love. He is everything I ever hoped for.

I have been so emotional! I can't even help it. I am so happy. So in love. So fulfilled. It's a miracle. This baby is a miracle.

He makes me feel complete joy. Bliss. At 2 am when I'm exhausted and I hear him whimper, I'm HAPPY. I'm overjoyed. I just want everyone to know him and see what an amazing sweet boy he is. I want them to feel this happiness.

Even Colton, who is notoriously ornery when woken up from sleep, wakes up with a smile and just helps his baby. Changes him with a smile when there is poop all over his legs and he is screaming and we are both so tired.

No greater love is possible. I know it.

He has made Colton and I stronger. He has made our love stronger. It's absolutely amazing.

He has brought my family so close. He has brought light into two extended families. There is so much love surrounding him and his birth. The way my parents look at him. The way Coltons parents look at him.

He is a miracle who I would not trade anything or any life for. People say that they don't want to give up their lives for children. They MAKE life. After having him for three days, Colton and I know we will have a bigger family then we ever planned. We couldn't imagine life any other way. Or any more worthwhile.

I am hopelessly in love. I'm totally enslaved by my love for this child. I hate having him away from me. When they took him for tests at the hospital. I was so anxious to have him back.

I cried my eyes out when he had to be circumcised or have blood drawn. He is too sweet to have pain. I hate to put him down even to sleep, I just want to hold him and watch every expression he makes. He's beautiful.

If you think I sound ridiculous and cheesy. I don't even slightly give a damn.

So, thats my emotional shpeel. Parents will understand, non-parents will scan it with bored thoughts. To them I say, One day you will know this kind of love.

Its magic.

If it's something you desire, and you are in the position to be a parent, with a loving partner, do it. Right now. It will work out. It is so worth it. Nothing is more worth it. Nothing you strive for will bring more happiness or joy. More meaning and value to life. It will make you feel whole. Don't wait for what you think is the right time, make it the right time. You will NEVER regret it.

If you are struggling to find the right time. Or considering it at all. Let it be right.

I love my boys. More than anything. I just want everyone to feel what I feel.



After 48 hours in the hospital, this little mama was ready to go home. I was starting to get so sore from the bed and
I literally was not sleeping at all because nurses were doing constant check ups and vitals.

Being in a hospital is so frustrating. You are learning all these new aspects of being a mom, and yet it's so much harder to do it there. Like, they expect you to hold a newborn and breastfeed with an IV in one arm, an oxygen monitor on your finger, a sharp plastic name tag, a blood pressure cuff, various bandages and other adhesions. Not to mention all the sore spots from having shots and blood drawn with an added bonus of swelling.

I mean, my arms are tiny, so it makes it hard anyways when there is so much stuff, and it's a little ridiculous. Then they expect you to hold your breast, and baby, and position him this way and that, I felt like I would never get it down! It's like a game, once baby latches, freeze everything and sit there frozen until baby let's go.

I quickly decided it was time for an intervention and some simplifying.

The oxygen monitor, I made em put it on my toe.

You only use the blood pressure monitor every few hours. Cool. You can reattach it then. Seriously lady, I will keep taking it off. I should have a child cuff and that piece of junk covers 3/4 of my arm.

Bandages, nah. I'll just hold a cotton ball till the bleeding stops. Seriously.

What are you giving me through the IV? Water for hydration? I will chug this bottle in front of you.

Morphine? I am NOT in that much pain.

(yes, call me crazy, I made them take the morphine IV out.)

My arm bracelet? Mysteriously disappeared. You are the same nurse I've had since yesterday. You know it's me and the plastic tag is scratching my baby's face. (colton and I actually got in trouble for walking around the tiny square hallway without baby in his plastic bed of shame. Apparently if baby isn't in his bed if shame, we could be abducting him. Again, you are the same nurse I have had all day, you know this is my baby and I'm not abducting it. I can barely walk.

(Another hospital rule, no kids under 14. Random strangers can come see baby. But no kids. My little sisters couldn't even come in and see my baby. (We maybe convinced a few nurses to look the other way when they came in. But It was so awful, they were very sad to not be able to see him for more than a minute.)

Anyways...back to feeding.

I was determined to be able to feed my baby without help. And that meant I needed my arms clear. So I made it happen.

And Bam. Every time baby woke up, I tried to clear my head, readjust the bed, sit up (despite incision pain) pull pillows around me, and feed him. Then he would fall asleep eating, I would sigh relief and lull back into semi sleep with him cuddled on me.

If he pooped, I woke Colton (who as of now has changed all diapers, that's his self designated job when he is home.)

My little guy never went in the plastic bucket of shame. ;) He slept on my chest, every night. I just never wanted to let go. Sue me.

After 24 hours I was asking about getting released. When they asked about my pain levels, I consistently told them my throat hurt worse than my incision. (It was swollen, painful, I could not eat, my voice was horse.) Whenever I would complain the nurses would say "oh, yes, you are the one who got intibated. It's from the metal tube they had trouble getting it in your throat."

I had to demand COUGH DROPS. My throat was so swollen I couldn't eat soft bread without pain. Finally a nurse listened to me, and they checked my throat. Severe scabbing on my tonsils, major swelling, etc. They prescribed a throat coating numbness thing. It worked for two minutes. UGH. Basically it took my mom, a lot of hot tea, ice cream and gargling salt water (all self prescribed while i'm in a freaking hospital) to calm my swelling down to the point where I could comfortably eat. I think there was actually something lodged in my throat that I worked out because after all of that the swelling went down and I finally started getting comfortable.


The next morning I was up, showering and packing. Changing baby, feeding him by myself while Colt slept, doing my hair. We had been up and going on walks the night before, I was just ready to be out of there. My doctor said "you are doing great, I think you could be out by tomorrow. I said, i'm ready to go home, let me go tonight, i'm fine." So he agreed. Exactly 48 hours after C-Section (the legal time I HAVE to stay) I was released by my doctor. They originally had me scheduled for 72 hours minimum.

All we had to do was get babies release from his doctor. Didn't happen. Babies at birth lose weight, up to 10% of what they were at birth. Our MaTai was losing excessive amounts. More than a pound-around 16% of his birth weight (8 lbs, 1 oz.) Doctor said he wanted to keep him over night and see if we could get his weight up. I was up every two hours on the dot. Feeding him from both sides (he only ever would eat on one side and then immediately fall asleep), waking him up out of sleep, encouraging him to eat more, trying to supplement formula with a feeding tube to get him to eat. It was miserable.

Nothing is more heartbreaking to a mom than feeling like you are failing your child. Like I wasn't giving him enough!

The next morning I was at the end of my rope. Colton and I had both slept in the hospital bed, getting up every few hours to feed him, put him on a special light to help his skin, (did I mention he also developed a HUGE rash all over that looked like bug bites? Apparently it's normal,) and rock him. We had to put these special goggles on him and set him on the lights, which he would stay fine for fifteen minutes and then FREAK out. One time he startled so fast I got scared and jumped up out of bed, causing major pain to my incision.

It was a LONG night. The next morning I was at the end of my rope. I had slept maybe two hours a night at the hospital, could barely keep my eyes open, and was actually swaying while standing up. Doctors and nurses would come in to talk to me and I would feel like I was in a spinning room. I have never been that exhausted in my life.

Colton and I enjoyed a room service breakfast, and finally Tai's doctor came to check his weight. He lost more weight. I was so stressed out. But doctor said we could go home anyways (doesn't make much sense to me...) as long as we took him back in to get weighed the next day...

So we packed up, put him in his car seat AT LAST and took our little man home..

Pure, sleepy, bliss.

My baby needs to eat now :)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Playing Catch Up

On my sleep!

(not the blog posts, I have a newborn people, I haven't slept more than 5 of the last 80 hours, I can barely type this post.)

Baby and I are at home with daddy. More to come soon. Thanks for all the love!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

He Is Here!

While I sit here nursing a sweet baby boy, (and Colton gets some much needed sleep ;D ) I figured I would chronicle the last few days.

Before we left for the hospital, Colton was extremely antsy, and I had passed the hours hanging out with my mom doing my hair and getting my eyebrows waxed. (The necessities of course!)

We arrived at the hospital Tuesday at midnight, and began the scheduled induction process with a pill called Cytotec. This pill is supposed to soften the cervix and start the dilation process.

The nurse put in my IV and got all my monitors in place, and we started the night. At 3:45 when she checked me I was "moderately soft" and 50% effaced. I didn't feel anything through the first hours.

She gave me another Cytotec, and left me again until 6:45 am, at which point my doctor came in also. I was effaced 80% and dilated a whole 1 and a half centimeters.

At 9:45 am they checked me a third time, I was still only at 80% with painful contractions starting.

By 11:00 am, both my family and Coltons had arrived (at the same time) so I had a full room. I was STARVING and they had both just got done with breakfast. At this point they started me on Pitocin. I was lucky enough to have all my family and in laws around as I started painful contractions. Fun, right?

By around noon, they had doubled up the Pitocin, and the Doctor came in to break my water. At this point Colton was going to run home and show his family our place, grab lunch, and switch my mom places while I slept. (I was after all, only 2 and a half centimeters dilated.)

He stayed in the room while my doctor broke my water, (actually stating that he thought they had already ruptured, which I had suspected days ago and nurses ignored.) He fully broke it, and was on his way.

I needed to pee badly at this point, and wanted the help with my IV pole while I still had my sexy CNA there. ;) I stood up, and all hell (water) broke lose. Poor Colton was kneeling and got hit by the liquid, trying to clean up and help me walk. It took two nurses, my mom and Colton ten minutes to clean up all the water, it just kept coming! The nurses were laughing and gasping, apparently it was a lot more fluid than they were used to. Colton at this point said "maybe I should stay here..."

As soon as that was cleaned up (and all the sheets, towels, gowns and scrubs were changed) I started contracting really badly. The nurse gave me a pain killer through my IV (sheer bliss) and I seriously wanted to kiss that lady. I LOVED her.

I told Colton in my drowsy, numb, " i feel freaking awesome" lets do this again! state of mind, to go eat and show his family our place, cuz I was GOLDEN. He took off and I fell right asleep.

An hour later I was screaming. I was not loving life. My doctor came in, checked me (I was at a measly 2 and a half centimeters after many hours of pain) and said "give her an epidural now." thank you doctor.

My nurse gave me some more happiness via IV. When she asked "on a scale of 1-10 where I was at pain wise, I told her negative 5. Man she rocked.

The anesthesiologist then came in to do my epidural. I wanted Colton there to squeeze, but he was downstairs in the cafeteria, no idea they would do an epidural so soon, no cell service and not enough time to grab him. I squeezed the heck out of my nurse.

This is when it went bad. Because of past experiences with an epidural, they weren't sure we could get a good insert. The anesthesiologist got it in with "no problem."

My feet and stomach was numb, I could barely feel my body, super bizarre. Between the epidural and the magic pain killer, I was happy. I got comfy, and fell asleep.

Of course this is when a) Colton gets back and is having an "I'm gonna be a dad" meltdown. b) my parents AND in laws decide to come visit and c) everyone wants to hang out and chat while I'm just wanting to sleep.


My parents and Colts were talking up a storm (did i mention it was the first time
they all met!?) Grace was rubbing my feet (she thought I had heating pads wrapped around them, because they were so swollen and hot.) Savannah had a seizure, and everyone had just returned from lunch so I was dying smelling food on them.

Colton kept lovingly asking what he could do for me, (ignoring my many requests that he get me fries.) Even Grace couldn't be bribed.

I was so hungry i felt sick.

My nurse came in at this point and said "6:30." I knew it was coming. I had been in labor 17 hours and was barely dilated to a 3. Something most ladies do on their own weeks before baby comes. My blood pressure was 160/100. My contractions were as strong as possible.

My doctor was calling a C-section.

In an hour.

I started to stress and get anxiety, noting that I was starting to feel my toes again (not good.) Nausea started. I was scared to death.

I found out at 5:30 pm. I calmed myself knowing I had an hour to relax.

Then a doctor came in and said "I'm gonna start numbing you really hard, oh, didn't they tell you, we are doing the C-section now." (It was 5:40 pm) I had a ten minute warning.

Stuff started spiraling from here. I didnt feel numb anymore, and was worried despite the reassurance of doctors. Only one person was allowed in the operation room, (so my mom was really sad) and they were clearing out my family. It was happening too fast.

They wheeled me out of the room, telling Colton they would get him when I was all ready for surgery. Sheer Panic.

I was wheeled into a big white operation room. They started pinching and prodding me, lifting me onto a cold table. I just shut my eyes, feeling every pain and pinch an wondering how this could be "painless."

Finally I heard them say "get dad" and
Colton was there above me, reassuring me. The doctor poked my stomach with a sharp object to test numbness and I said "ow."' All the doctors looked at me nervously. One said "did she feel that? How did she know i poked her?"

The anesthesiologist said "put her to sleep, get dad out."

I just shut my eyes and cried.

When I woke up I was in huge amounts of pain. I could hear my doctor telling me "you have an 8 pound, 1 oz little
boy. He's beautiful."

I was confused. "Your husband says he has your nose, his eyes and his ears."

Still confused. They had me put me out so fast I hadn't even processed what happened. I was a mom. Just like that.

They had knocked me out, delivered Tai, and neither of us had been there. Heartbreaking.

The first person I saw was Colton. I could barely keep my eyes open I was so drowsy from the anesthesia. He was holding a baby.

He kept saying, baby he is so beautiful. He's perfect. He's literally perfect.

I was in tears. I hurt so badly I couldn't see straight. I wanted to SEE my baby. To hold him and look at him. But I was so tired and in so much pain. Colton put him on me anyways.

Then our families were there, passing around the baby i had barely seen. Telling me how strong I was for what I just went through. Telling me how beautiful my son was.

My medicine started to kick in finally, my throat was KILLING from a tube
they had put in. My dad started feeding me ice chips (amazing.) Slowly I woke up. Everyone held baby, and then they were quick to leave.

I was so thankful for this. I wanted to nurse him. To look at him. To see Colton interact with him. I needed my space.

I'm proud to say Colton breastfed our baby for the first time. Ha. I was so drowsy I couldn't keep my eyes open or focus on what was happening. He held baby to me, helped him latch on and slowly taught him to eat while I slept. He is amazing. Honestly.

After baby ate I pulled his blankets off and held him against my chest. Finally.

It was so amazing watching him immediately just melt into me. Later I found out from my mom that the first time they put him in my arms, he just wimpered and his whole body relaxed. He had been away from me for almost two hours and had needed his mom.

I haven't put him down all night. He has been on me chest to chest through exams and bleeding and pain. He is the most beautiful, peaceful baby. He just is content. He's happy.

And we love him so much.

After all is said and done, I'm glad for doctors who did so much for me. If it wasn't for modern medicine I would have never been able to get this baby out. I would have died giving birth.

I'm doing so well this morning. After major hip surgeries this feels like nothing. Heck I even got ice cream to eat, and will get to eat a real breakfast. After all that, my biggest pain is in my throat, it's raw and sore, and hurts more than my incision.

So that's our story. Nine months later.

MaTai Allen Kynaston.
Born 2/1/12 at 6:18 PM
8 lbs, 1 oz
20 inches long

Loved more than we could ever measure.