Anxiety

I've been thinking a lot about how life will be soon. How it's all going to change. In my mind I see the sweet family, me making dinner with baby boy sitting in his chair on the counter and colt coming in from work.

That's what I dream of.

I know there will be many sleepless nights, many stressed out days, many thoughts of how life "was." Times I'll look back and wish I could have tonight back. With an empty house and bed to myself. (Colts working a grave.)

Right now, life seems slow. I feel really lazy. Exhausted. Stressed. I depend on Colton so much for everything.
I'm torn between enjoying my last few days with Colt, and wanting my baby here.

Last night we ran all the last minute baby errands, met a pediatrician, finalized insurance, installed the car seat.

We came home, I wanted chocolate milk for dinner, he had a hot dog. Then he played video games while I caught up on my tv shows. I went to bed at 2. He crawled in an hour later. We slept till noon.

That's what we do on his days off. Nothing.

We woke up, he brought me French toast in bed. I watched a bazillion episodes of teen mom (it's therapeutic, really.) I called in an "I love you" across the apartment every once in a while. He came in with ice water and chocolate when I was feeling bored.

Later, He took took off to the gym. I took a nap. Soaked in the bath. He came home and made us steak. Tucked me into bed...again.

I feel so useless right now. He takes such good care of me, and we have no one to answer to but each other. So I start thinking about Tai coming and I panic. Ive been on bed rest so long, doing NOTHING for so many months, I feel like I won't ever have the energy to take care of a baby. To get into a real routine of doing things and going out and cooking and cleaning and being a family and a good wife!

Poor Colton. He lives off of Mac and cheese and hot dogs and canned soup. I feel so guilty when he tries to make a recipe that I would always make him, but don't have the energy for anymore.

Right now going and doing errands is a stressful long event. I never leave the house alone or drive because my belly is so big. How will I do it with a newborn who needs fed every hour and constant attention. How will I go to the grocery store without completely panicking!

I hope that with Tai being born, everything will feel right and come natural. All the mysteries of parenthood and breastfeeding and infant care will be second nature. I hope my energy comes back, and the weight comes off!

I hope the The desire to do my hair and get dressed and cook for my sweet Colton is no longer comparable to the exhaustion of running a marathon.

I pray that my hormones will chill out so I can be a little more patient with my hubby (and humans in general.)

I don't know what normal life is, living with colt, not being pregnant. It's a giant Journey we are about to embark on. And im so glad I'm doing it with him.

But for the record. I'm scared as hell. This is a huge journey and we never made a map.

Wish us luck. Wish ME luck.

I really hope I can do this.