Friday, April 6, 2012


This week we entered a competition for a dream wedding in Southern Utah.
When I got the e-mail from St. George Weddings announcing a dream wedding with everything covered, I about died. 

How amazing would that be?
To have everything planned and prepared!
No money to worry about, and a marriage to look forward to without the stress.

I feel like Colton and I have been through so much together and conquered so much in the three years.
I feel like we do deserve it. 
I feel like we have proven the strength of our relationship.

For two years we used to argue and fight over nothing at all, and it felt like our relationship was so hard when we were just dating and going to school and things were actually easy.
We were immature, and selfish and stupid.
We had money and time and freedom to do whatever we wanted, Vegas trips and long weekends and traveling back and forth. 
Sushi nights and dates to whatever exciting thing we could come up with.

But we were miserable.
Constantly trying to one up the other person, or hurt each other to 'win.'
Using money to buy love.
Pure stupidity.

Then we got pregnant.
It was scary. It took a lot of tough decisions and sacrifice.
But we both made the right ones.
And then all the sudden in a year we have gone through many trials, really hard, very REAL trials. 
Trials that break relationships and test love.
 (Pregnancy hormones, moving in, job losses, money problems, new baby, lack of sleep.)
All in a year! At the same time!

 We are poor, we have very little, we don't go out, we just can't.
And at the end of the day we are a stronger, happier couple for it.
We have found real love in sacrifice and unselfishness.
We have found peace and joy in our relationship.
We have found bliss in our little family and our son.

And now we work daily.
To keep our relationship strong, to keep realistic, to live within our means.

And for me that will always mean putting Tai first.
If Tai needs a play gym or a stuffed hippo, no matter how unnecessary, it will come before my wants.
That's just who I am.

I will give him a diamond pacifier before I get my diamond ring.

I feel like that's always how it's going to be, I will always justify his needs before mine. I have such a hard time getting anything for myself or buying anything for myself. When I get a new pair of pants (because none fit) I am thinking in the back of my head, "I should have bought Tai a __________" 
It's not always that he needs anything, it's just that I feel like i'm being selfish when I put my needs first.
It's the same with Colton, if he asks for something I will sacrifice whatever I can to make sure he has it.
It makes me happy to see them happy.

This drives Colton crazy. To the point where if I show interest in anything he tries to get it for me.
I just don't need material things to be happy, my happiness is in my families happiness.

So I have no idea how i'm ever going to justify a wedding (this could go towards Tai's college fund.)
I could use a push and a shove in the right direction.

Am I Crazy?
Sorry for the rambling.

Beautiful Dream Wedding Gods, I could really use some luck right now.


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